CAUTION: This is personal. If easily triggered, please skip this post.
You might think “look, she’s complaining about weight gain that barely shows and now she’s normal size bohoo”
This is about my mental health that completely ruined my goal. In Jan 2019 I decided that THIS is the summer I’m going to be the healthiest and fittest I can ever be. Uhm, yeah it turned out to be the completely opposite. For three months straight I started to enjoy working out 2-3 times a week and the food I consumed was pretty healthy. Nothing over the top, just pure joy all the way. That’s when I started the Chocholate challenge, you can watch my video HERE if you’ve missed it. It was great, and I did the challenge twice!
I don’t remember what was the turning point, but I stopped working out because I missed a day. Then when the challenge was over, and I could have some chocolate I started to buy EVERYTHING that was on sale. Even the chocolate that I didn’t prefer if everything was equally priced. I went from eating a 200g plate a day to that + smaller bars. I ate all of it really fast, to then realize how much I just ate. But then I tried to understand why I had to do it. My conclusion was alway: but it made me happy in that moment.
It’s my comfort. That’s WHY I feel like I need it. Gosh, I don’t even like food that much and now my brain has chosen freakin’ chocholate to feel satisfied. Right now I just at two Troika bars and I still want more. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. This is such a toxic feeling.
I know that if I give in, I will never get to the bottom of this. So I’m stuck. Sad, confused and I put on 5 kg in just a matter of two months. I used to never weight myself, I only did it for a workout video I was planning to make. My curiosity broke when I got my new workout set from Stronger, and to my biggest disappointment realized that I’m no longer a size S. I just had to check the numbers on the scale. WTF. I used to hear “but you have the skinny gene, you will never get fat” but now I understand that it is no such thing as that. Everyone will gain weight, and to the girls who say they eat everything; nope, they still eat good enough to maintain their body.
What’s hard now is that I can’t think straight. I don’t understand how to break out of this toxic habit. I still feel like I need it in my life, even when I know it dosen’t do me any good. It is summer now, and I feel like I had my biggest failure of all time.
Ah.
